Society has never been spectacular at helping grievers cope with their losses, but now, with the creation and adoption of a new diagnosis called “Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder (PCBD)” in the DSM-5, I suspect that the stigma surrounding grief will become even worse. If you’re thinking that six months is a wildly short amount of time to begin diagnosing grief as a disorder, you’re right.

Between all of the invitations, parties, ceremonies, and rituals, it can feel as if you have no autonomy over your schedule — or your emotional state. There’s an expectation to be merry and bright, even when those emotions are impossible for you to access in your grief.

This time of year — regardless of the holiday(s) you celebrate — it might be helpful to remember your power with regard to your time, energy, and boundaries. You may not be able to control whether or not the holidays happen, but you have some say as to how you get to exist inside of them.

So often grievers are told to overlook insensitive behavior and comments because “the person means well.” While this is sometimes true, there is often a deeper, sometimes unconscious intention that prevents you from showing up in a helpful way with your grieving loved ones.

See if any of these unconscious intentions are lurking in your conversations about grief, then consider shifting your language so that your grieving friend genuinely feels your support for them in their loss.