Attention Grievers! This Is Your Holiday Bill of Rights

Dec 21

This article was first published on Medium. Follow me and subscribe to email updates on Medium to be notified when I publish a new article.

For many grievers, the two months between Halloween and New Year’s Day seem endless. The jarring disconnect between mourning someone you love and being accosted by relentless holiday cheer is both surreal and overwhelming. It’s often all you can do to keep your head above water. Between all of the invitations, parties, ceremonies, and rituals, it can feel as if you have no autonomy over your schedule — or your emotional state. There’s an expectation to be merry and bright, even when those emotions are impossible for you to access in your grief.

This time of year — regardless of the holiday(s) you celebrate — it might be helpful to remember your power with regard to your time, energy, and boundaries. You may not be able to control whether or not the holidays happen, but you have some say as to how you get to exist inside of them. See if keeping the following rights in mind helps you — and your grief — breathe a little easier this holiday season:

1. You have the right to say no.

“No,” is a complete sentence. You do not have to go anywhere or do anything that sounds or feels terrible to you. Even family events. Even parties you’ve faithfully attended for years. If just thinking about going to an event feels hard or exhausting, you are allowed to say, “I’m sorry. It would be lovely to see you, but I just can’t make it.” Your sensitive friends will understand and graciously accept your decline. Anyone who pushes you to suck it up and show up anyway is not a friend to you in grief — and it’s not your job to attend the party just to keep them happy. Your days as their emotional regulator are over!

2. You have the right to cancel plans.

If you agree to do something and later decide it’s too much for you to handle, you have permission to change your mind. You do not have to defend yourself or explain your reasoning. If you’re worried about appearing unreliable, it might help to set expectations up front. Let your host know that grief is unpredictable and, while you want to spend time with them, you may not be up to it when the day of the event arrives. Especially if you’re early in your journey with grief, consider automatically declining formal invitations like dinner parties or ceremonies where your presence is needed instead of preferred. More casual events like potlucks and hayrides may be more your speed right now — and that’s okay.

3. You have the right to take a break.

If you’re at a gathering and feel overwhelmed, it’s fine to step outside or retreat to a room where you can take a breather. If it helps, call or text a supportive friend while you’re there. You can also use the introvert’s party survival tip: spend time in the kitchen helping the host prep or clean up. There are often less people mingling in the kitchen, you aren’t required to socialize, and your host will be grateful for the help.

4. You have the right to leave.

While you may not have needed an escape plan in your life before loss, you’ll likely want one during the holiday season. If it becomes too stressful to stay within the fray of the conversations and the music, say goodbye to the people you need to and quietly slip out. If you’re feeling extra anxious, try writing down or mentally rehearsing an exit plan before an event including how you’re getting there and back, what rooms or people are safe spaces for you, and what you’ll do first when you arrive back in the safety of your home.

5. You have the right to privacy with regard to your grief.

You get to decide if you feel like telling your story, how much of it you tell, and who you tell it to. Remember, you’re not betraying your loved one if you don’t talk about them when a total stranger asks if you’re married or wants to know how many children you have. Not everyone is a great recipient of grief in conversation, and you have the right to protect your emotional wellbeing first. It may feel strange to say, “I’m fine,” to an acquaintance when your reality is the exact opposite of fine, but if it feels safer to you, “fine,” is an acceptable, self-preserving answer when you’re grieving.

6. You have the right to end painful or ignorant conversations.

People are often at a loss for words regarding grief and may offer you idiotic platitudes or unhelpful “advice.” It’s not your job — especially during the holidays — to educate others about appropriate ways to support a grieving person. If you have the bandwidth for it and are feeling gracious, say something like, “I believe you’re trying to be supportive, but this conversation is not really helping. Let’s discuss something else.” You are also free to change the subject or leave the conversation entirely. This does not have to be a confrontational gesture. Just let them know you have someone else to talk to or your drink needs refilling and be on your way. You’re not required to stick around and endure someone’s unhelpful grief cliches just to be polite.

7. You have the right to rest.

While most of the world uses the holiday season as an opportunity to socialize, buy, talk, eat, and drink MORE, you are not obligated to do the same. In fact, you have the freedom to reframe the holiday season as a chance to do LESS. If you’re a griever in the northern hemisphere, the increased daytime darkness and cooler weather are prime resting conditions. Consider taking advantage of the corporate world’s closures and reduced hours to turn in for a long winter’s nap. Movies, snacks, and warm showers can offer soothing, predictable support that may feel more healing to you than forcing yourself to participate in the hustle and bustle.

8. You have the right to unsubscribe.

Especially for grievers who celebrate Christmas, the holiday season is awash with messages to “Buy This!,” “Wear This!,” and “Do This!”. Whether or not you’ve participated in the consumerism and gift-giving of previous years, you absolutely have permission to opt out this year. Unsubscribe from or mute loud emails and social media accounts urging you to stuff your stockings. You may even delete a smartphone app or two until after New Year’s Day. Give yourself the gift of a digital detox.

9. You have the right to reevaluate your priorities.

Grief can prompt a lot of questions, especially surrounding meaning, tradition, and legacy. Know that you’re allowed to take stock of your values and reorder them after a devastating loss. You may find that you don’t want to keep hosting the traditional cookie swap. You may decide that it’s too much for you to sing or dance this Kwanzaa. You may opt for Christmas dinner with your chosen family instead of your family of origin. It’s okay to stop doing things you used to do because loss happened. Conversely, it’s also normal to start doing things you’ve never done because loss happened. You might choose to light your loved one’s heirloom menorah for the first time or clean out your sweater collection to donate to a local shelter. You don’t have to do a thing because you’ve always done the thing — or because others expect you to do it. You get to name your priorities and decide what you’d like to do to live by them.

10. You have the right to boycott the holiday season altogether.

While this may prompt some issues with family members and friends, it might be helpful to release yourself from all holiday expectations altogether. If others bristle at the thought of you steering clear of the usual gatherings and traditions, gently remind them that it’s just for this year. Say, “It’s not about you; I just want to feel more rested and peaceful going into the new year and this is how I’m choosing to go about it this year.” Naming what you want to feel in the coming year can help your friends and family shift their focus towards what you’re aiming for instead of everything you’re avoiding by boycotting the holidays. That might help them be more supportive of you in your grief. You might also consider inventing your own holiday to participate in. For years after a terrible loss, I celebrated January 2 as the day that I survived another holiday season.

Bottom line:

You have more choice and power than you might think with regard to the holiday season. While this time of year might feel like an exercise in extreme boundary-setting, it’s also an opportunity to learn more about what feels healing and homing to you as a grieving person. As you navigate the holidays, notice what and who is welcoming of you in your life after loss and what and who feels abrasive. These observations can offer you guidance and direction in holiday seasons to come.

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