Are You Unintentionally Hurting Your Grieving Friend? 6 Ways to Shift Your Language Now
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Chances are good that you know someone who’s grieving right now. Recent estimates show that the pandemic alone has resulted in 4.5 million more people grieving than a normal year. Being a good friend, you want to show up and say the right thing, but conversations about loss can feel like a minefield. While there are some platitudes that should be avoided at all costs, it’s important to not get tripped up by the belief that you have to have the perfect thing to say. Your words matter, but oftentimes your unspoken intention matters more.
When I think back on my biggest losses, the most helpful people weren’t the most polished. They were awkward, they cried, they stammered and admitted they didn’t know what to say. They said stupid things, but apologized and worked to do better. Years later, I don’t always remember their words, but I remember their intention; they wanted to overcome their own fear and discomfort about grief to sit with me in all my sadness, anger, confusion, and despair. I felt that, even when their words were clunky.
I also remember those who technically said the “right” things, but their tone, body language, and attitude gave me a clear message: they had no intention of being a companion to me in my pain.
So often grievers are told to overlook insensitive behavior and comments because “the person means well.” While this is sometimes true, there is often a deeper, sometimes unconscious intention that prevents you from showing up in a helpful way with your grieving loved ones.
See if any of these unconscious intentions are lurking in your conversations about grief, then consider shifting your language so that your grieving friend genuinely feels your support for them in their loss:
1. Intent to Fix
Your friend is devastated, and you want to do something to fix their pain. Unfortunately, grief is not a fixable problem. Some of the worst words said to grievers start with this well-meaning intention.
What it sounds like:
“At least you have other children.”
“You’re young and will find someone again.”
“They’re in a better place.”
How it lands:
Your grieving friend is not looking for replacements for their loved ones. They also may intellectually understand that their dead person is no longer in pain, but they still miss them desperately. These comments can make the griever in your life feel isolated, angry, and completely misunderstood, as if you’re trying to talk them out of what they’re feeling.
Instead try:
“I would do anything to make this better for you, but I know that I can’t.”
“I am here for you now and in the future if you ever need to talk, cry, scream, go for a walk, or whatever.”
Grieving people spend a great deal of time pretending to be okay after a loss. While you cannot fix their pain, you can create a safe place where they can express their emotions as they are. One of the biggest gifts you can give is continuing to be there in the months — and even years — following a loss when other friends have gone back to their lives.
2. Intent to Distract
While probably well-intentioned, this intention is downright bizarre. Your grieving friend has just had their world shattered into a million pieces. The suggestion that a festive party, shopping trip, or spa day will help them forget their pain is crazymaking. Spending time with people who are not grieving in places that are not welcoming of grief only reinforces the isolation your grieving friend feels.
What it sounds like:
“You’re alone too much these days. Why don’t you come dancing with us?”
“Getting out of the house will make you feel better.”
“Your [insert dead person] wouldn’t want you to be sad. Come to the party! You might even meet someone interesting!”
How it lands:
Your grieving friend might feel as if you’re making a judgment on their behavior or how they choose to spend their time. This is loneliness-inducing, because it’s clear that you, as their friend, have no idea how difficult and all-encompassing their grief is. They may also feel like they aren’t energetic or social enough for you at a time when they’re in massive amounts of pain.
Instead try:
“I’m thinking about you; would you be up for a hike later this week? No pressure to say yes.”
“I have a season pass to the art museum. Want to look at paintings with me sometime next month?”
Grieving people tend to appreciate low key, low stakes plans that are as easily made as they are cancelled. Remember that your friend may be able to say yes one day and then be slammed by an emotional tidal wave the day of an event. Be flexible and understanding if they need to bow out of an invite — or if they don’t respond to your invitation at all. The simple act of reaching out (without telling them what to do) can help them feel remembered and welcome.
3. Intent to Educate Based on Your Experience with Grief
Loss is as individual as love is. Grief is shaped by so many factors including the emotional depth of the relationship, whether the loss was sudden or traumatic, previous trauma and stigma around grief, and the amount of support your grieving friend already has in place. While you may relate to some of what they’re going through, what helped you may not necessarily be helpful to them.
What it sounds like:
“I know EXACTLY how you feel.”
“I totally understand. You should join a group like I did.”
“I’ve been there! In fact when I lost my dog/aunt/grandfather what helped me was…”
How it lands:
Your grieving friend feels judged for not grieving correctly (or like you did) and may be frustrated because your suggestion is not a good fit for them and their grief experience. They might also feel like you’re communicating with them from a place of superiority, which is the opposite of helpful.
Instead try:
“I know our losses aren’t the same, but I found this class that really helped me. Would you like me to send you their website?”
“I can’t pretend to know exactly how you feel. What would be most helpful from me right now — advice or listening?”
Listen rather than lecture, and let your grieving friend take the lead. If you have something relevant to share, ask if they would be interested in hearing about it. If they say no, respect their answer and continue to listen empathetically. Remember, even if you share similar loss experiences, your solutions may not be theirs.
4. Intent to Compete in the “Suffering Olympics”
Competitive grief usually appears when you have unhealed losses in your own life. We live in a society that has little tolerance for grief and creates weird, arbitrary timelines for “getting over” loss. As a result, many, many people are not treated with compassion when they lose someone they love. If this happened to you, I’m so sorry. It makes sense why you might be triggered by your grieving friend’s heartache. But know that while your feelings are understandable, pitting grief against grief just causes more pain for all involved.
What it sounds like:
“Your nephew killed himself? I had to care for my mother for years when she had Alzheimers. We don’t all get to experience a ‘good death,’ do we?”
“I lost my wife a year ago and you don’t see me trying to get people to feel sorry for me!”
How it lands:
Your grieving friend may feel shamed, judged, or enraged by your lack of compassion. This is isolated and lets them know that you are not a safe place for their grief; you are only a place of ranking and competition in an experience that can and should not be ranked.
Instead try:
“It’s not fair that your nephew didn’t have a ‘good death. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.”
Please know, if you feel compelled to engage in the Suffering Olympics, take the time to find someone to talk to so you can heal your wounds rather than lash out at your grieving friend for theirs. When you feel able, then reach out to your grieving friend when you can. If being with other people who are grieving is too much, you can also reach out by text or email if you still want to support them.
5. Intent to Only Engage with Positivity
While there’s some merit to training your brain to “look on the bright side,” positivity can be toxic when it refuses to allow space for other emotions. Depending on your friend’s personality, the type of support they have after their loss, and the nature of the loss, they may be less-than-sunny for a while. You might perceive them as negative, angry, depressed, or despairing. Grieving people are also sometimes criticized for being self-absorbed or selfish.
What it sounds like:
“Everything happens for a reason!”
“You used to be so much fun; I miss the old you!”
“You are what you think; there’s a silver lining in this somewhere.”
How it lands:
Dr. Joanne Cacciatore probably said it best when she responded to someone complaining that their friend was being too negative after a loss: “If you simply cannot understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate.” Positivity — to say the least — can make you appear out of touch with your grieving friend’s emotions, and it may be your one-way ticket to a life without a relationship with your friend.
Instead try:
“You don’t have to be good at grief.”
“I won’t ask you to smile through the pain.”
“It makes sense that you can’t be happy right now.”
Check your impulse to send inspirational messages about how hard times make you a better person or how losses can lead to even better things in the future. This may be true for other life challenges, but loss of a loved one is different. Allow your grieving friend to have their feelings and their timeline. Keep in mind that their negativity, anger, depression, and despair make perfect sense when you consider that grief requires your grieving friend to orient themselves to a completely new world — a world they never wanted to be in and don’t know how to navigate.
6. Intent to Distance Yourself From Their Pain
It can be scary and overwhelming to be a friend to someone experiencing a loss, especially a sudden, traumatic, or out-of-order loss. It can be hard to listen compassionately to a story that sounds like your worst nightmare. You may find yourself trying to calm your anxiety or discomfort by distancing yourself from your grieving person’s pain. This looks like asking intrusive questions about the loss so that you can somehow avoid experiencing the pain your grieving friend is in within the context of your own life.
What it sounds like:
“Did you notice she was depressed before she killed herself?”
“Did he smoke/eat junk food/not exercise enough?”
“Did you know that they were hanging around a rough crowd?”
How it lands:
Your grieving friend is already torturing themselves with a slew of “what ifs” and “if onlys.” Your questions compound their pain and can make them feel unnecessarily responsible for the death of their loved one. It also confirms a potential fear of theirs: that you — as their friend — believe their loss was somehow their fault.
Instead try:
“I’m sorry this awful thing has happened to you.”
“Sure, it’s hard for me to watch, but I’m sure it’s harder for you to live through.”
“You may not believe this for yourself right now, but I believe you did the best you could.”
As much as you may not want to think about it, terrible things happen to good people all the time. The world is not a fair place. Your grieving friend’s loss may force you to acknowledge this reality, and it takes conscious effort on your part to be able to manage your anxieties about uncertainty and tragedy. Try practicing what author Sharon Salzberg calls “keeping your heart open in hell.” Just be with your friend. Listen to them and gently remind them when appropriate that they are a good person to whom something terrible has happened. They did the best they could and are continuing to do the best they can while grieving.
Bottom line:
You don’t have to be a perfect friend to be a safe friend to a grieving person. Just be sure to check your intention before engaging with them! Instead of showing up to fix, distance, educate, or distract, be present as a nonjudgmental, accepting presence. No matter your words, your grieving person will feel your love. This small gesture done with great love may be the greatest gift you can offer your grieving friend.